Best and Worst Burgers in America

In the latter years of a long-ago millennium—I’m talking about the late 1980s—the average hamburger stood at a reasonable 333 calories. Now, it’s hard to find a restaurant serving burgers less than twice that size; some pack five times as many calories as our distant forefathers ate whilst listening to the ancient, primitive sounds of Madonna and Talking Heads, wearing large shoulder pads, and communicating through something called “fax machines.”


How did our food change so fast—and our bellies with it? Because restaurants realized that the way to our wallets was through our stomachs, and that coming away feeling stuffed made us think we’d gotten our money’s worth. So they started piling as many things onto our burgers as possible, particularly fats. Here’s where we’ve landed—with a crash.
 


WORST “GOURMET” FAST FOOD BURGER

NOT THAT: Five Guys Bacon Cheeseburger
920 calories, 62 g fat, 22.5 g sat fat, 1310 mg sodium

EAT THIS: Five Guys Little Bacon Burger
560 calories, 33 g fat, 14.5 g sat fat, 640mg sodium

SAVE: 360 calories

At least they didn’t invent their own language like Starbucks, but pretty much every Five Guys burger is a “Venti.” In fact, their “Little” burgers are, in fact, regular-size burgers that you’d get in any other fast food joint. They just want to make you feel small for ordering smartly.


 

WORST DRIVE-THROUGH BURGER

NOT THAT: Wendy’s Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy ¾ lb Triple with Cheese
1120 calories, 69g fat, 1990mg sodium

EAT THIS: Wendy’s Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe
350 calories, 19g fat, 830 mg sodium

SAVE: 770 calories

“Hot and juicy” are not the words that will come to mind to describe you if you spend too much time with the wrong crowd at Wendy’s. But Wendy’s does offer one of the very best burgers around—a totally sensible and decadent junior cheeseburger.


WORST QUESADILLA BURGER

NOT THAT: Applebee’s Quesadilla Burger
1400 calories, 105 g fat, 3260 mg sodium

EAT THIS: Applebee’s Classic Burger
790 calories, 48 g fat, 1220 mg sodium

SAVE: 610 calories

Quesadillas sound healthier because there’s less bun, and hence less of that carb creep that we’re all aware of. But in this case, Applebee’s lets us have it with more than twice as much fat as their Classic Burger.


WORST “HEALTHY” BURGER

NOT THAT: Ruby Tuesday Avocado Turkey Burger
1381 calories, 77 g fat, 2763 mg sodium

EAT THIS: Ruby Tuesday Turkey Burger Wrap
584 calories, 28 g fat, 1395 mg sodium

SAVE: 797 calories

Proving that no good deed goes unpunished, Ruby Tuesday manages to make even their healthy-sounding turkey burger into a punishing exercise in calorie and sodium overload. Fortunately, they offer a turkey burger wrap that makes a lot more sense.


WORST SLIDERS

NOT THAT: Chili’s Big Mouth Bites
1820 calories, 114g fat, 4140 mg sodium

EAT THIS: 2 Crispy Beef Tacos (hold the rice and beans)
640 calories, 18 g fat, 1150 mg sodium

SAVE: 1180 calories

I don’t want food that “slides” in any way, and in this case, the sliding at Chili’s is caused by nearly 2 days’ worth of fat. None of Chili’s burgers comes in at less than 1100 calories. If you’re hungry for ground beef in between two pieces of carbs, opt for the tacos; you’ll save 270 calories if you skip the rice and beans.


WORST SIT-DOWN BURGER

NOT THAT: Ruby Tuesday Bacon Cheese Pretzel Burger
1724 calories, 107 g fat, 3759 mg sodium

EAT THIS: Ruby Tuesday Petite Sirloin
379 calories, 25 g fat, 950 mg sodium

SAVE: 1345 calories
Admittedly, it’s not the same thing. But not a single burger at Ruby Tuesday clocks in at less than 1200 calories—that’s 2/3rds of what the average woman should eat in a single day. If you’re hungry for red meat, try the petit sirloin (379 calories) or a half rack of ribs (470 calories).
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